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June 6, 2012
The Word from Leon, God of Happy Hour Sports
No soda, no peace? Go Tell it on the Mountain Dew? Fanta of the Opera? Okay, that last one doesn't make any sense. But I'm sure you've heard about the proposed soda ban in NYC aka The Big Apple Juice. Speaking of which, why eliminate sodas altogether? Are they worse for you than cigarettes? Just tax the sodas and use those taxes to subsidize the prices of juices and other healthy drinks. Because healthy is sexy. This doesn't mean you can't have your high fructose corn syrup. Leon would be happy to drizzle it all over you. Can you drizzle high fructose corn syrup? I have no idea. But there's only one way to find out. And, honestly, what is sexy about soda? Has anyone ever popped the top off a two liter bottle of Fresca, poured it over their body and had their partner lick it off? Well, maybe, in the 80's. But those were different times, and anyone who tried it was probably coked out of their gourd. And even if they did, they were all sticky. And not a sort of satisfying, damp sticky. Like a movie theater floor-sticky. Gross. And if you don't really like juice, just drink red wine. It's pretty much just grape juice. Do what I do. Buy a bottle of grape juice. Drink the grape juice. Then, every morning, fill your empty bottle with red wine, and be on your merry way. Your morning will be a breeze, and before you know it, it will be lunch time. And if you're still craving that soda fix, you can always meet up with Leon during your lunch hour. I'd be more than happy to give you 7-Up yours.